When You Can’t Run and Hide

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“Mama, I’m scared,” whispered softly from the steps for the umpteenth time one night.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of.  Get back in bed,” I say, not so whispered, and not so softly, from my place on the couch.  I wish she would stop stalling and just go to sleep, I say to my husband.

Then, I hear them, the muffled sobs of my precious girl as she tries to calm her fearful heart.  In frustration I walk up the steps, trying to muster up some type of compassionate mommy face to minister to my little girl.  I sit on the edge of her bed and gently ask her, “What are you afraid of?”

Her response, “I {sob} don’t {sob} know {sob}, Mommy {sob}.”

And immediately I see myself, just a few days before…

The music for Vacation Bible School had been playing in the van for about two weeks and we listened to the songs over and over again.  I needed to learn them in order to teach the kids this summer.  On this particular day I was actually listening to the message of the song.  It begins:

“Sometimes, when I’m scared, I want to run and hide..”

I became undone.  I was afraid.  Terrified might be a better word. Unlike my daughter, though, I did know what I was scared of.  Fear had been creeping at the door of my heart for about seven months and the closer I got to the end of my pregnancy, the more I struggled with it, and the more I wanted to run away from what was coming.

I remember all too vividly what it was like 14 months ago to be told that my precious baby boy most likely had Down Syndrome, just hours after he was born.  I remember the fear, grief, and turmoil I felt for most of last summer as I wrestled with the new reality our family faced.

I was afraid of something like this happening again and I didn’t want it.

Please, don’t misunderstand me:  I love my son!  And, I’m learning to rejoice in the challenges that come with Down Syndrome.  However, if I can be completely honest, I don’t want to have another child with special needs.  It’s hard, on many levels, but mostly for me it has been hard on my heart.  {I shared some of this last October in my 31 Days series}.

The reality is that our little baby girl will be arriving any day now, it’s happening, and I can’t run away from it. I’m thrilled to meet her, hold her, and welcome her into our family.   And as I continue to struggle with my fears about what might happen in the hospital {or even after that}, I’ve been reminded that although I can’t run and hide from my circumstances, I can run and hide in the arms of the Lord.

He is a refuge {Psalm 46:1}.

He is the stronghold of my life {Psalm 27:1}.

He is a fortress {Psalm 59:16}.

As I trust in Him, He provides peace that I can’t even understand {Philippians 4:6-7}.

Regardless of what I might face, His grace is oh, so sufficient for my every need {2 Corinthians 12:9}.

His goodness is abundant.  {Psalm 31:19}.

We never know what the Lord might allow to come into our lives, but what we do know is that He has planned it and He will carry us through whatever we might face if we but trust in Him.

The Sunday after I had the crying spell in the car, Psalm 16 was read from the pulpit at church and it was such a good reminder to me, so I leave that with you today,